Sarutobi Deals with a Code Orange
by Another Reader
Summary: The Hokage deals with an ordinary day in office until a Code Orange stirs up trouble. One-shot. Humor/Parody.


Naruto and it's characters are not mine. It's owned by Kishimoto and some mighty fine companies that certainly wouldn't be petty enough to sue the likes of me because they're so very nice. Not to mention the fact that under the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976, they can't touch me. Plus, I have no money. The actual content of this story is mine, so there.

"If that's all then, Hokagesama, I'll let you get back to the paperwork."

"Hai, dismissed."

The ninja nodded, then *Poomph*ed away, the distinctive sound of the shunshin and a bit of smoke.

Sarutobi snorted. He still didn't understand why everyone thought he did paperwork all day. Well, maybe a bit. There was the small stack of papers on his desk, but that was intelligence briefings, not stuff to stamp. If all the Hokage did was sign and stamp things then any clerk could fill his hat. Sure there was stuff to sign and stamp as well, but things important enough to need his attention were few and far between, taking only a half hour of his day at most.  
Reports, now they were troublesome. When he had taken over it seemed like everyone reported directly to him. It seemed the Nidaime was too "hands on", which was fine when the village was small, but now it was quite the operation, and needed plenty of bureaucracy. So while a few hours were taken up reading reports, that too was mostly condensed by the intelligence office and department heads. What took up most of the day was networking. How he despised it. Some of the civilian council were so greasy you could silence a squeaky door with them. Not to say they were Bad People, but it seemed like they _enjoyed_ playing the Game. The clan heads were forced to play the Game, some more adeptly than others, and Kami help him, he had to schmooze, hobnob, and network just to stay in place.  
So while it was no sinecure, and he put in a full day's work every day, he had time to relax. An hour lunch, two 15 minute breaks (usually to read Jiriaya's latest masterpiece) and one or two hour long breaks a week (for discretionary purposes), it beat digging ditches.

*Knock Knock*

"Come in."

A boar masked ANBU walked in. "Sir, we have a code Orange."

Then there were days like this.

-Sigh- "What did he do this time?"

"If you remember, Hokagesama, last time we told him off quite strongly for gluing neon colored feathers on people? Well, it seemed he took it to heart. We're not certain how he did it, but he glued live chickens to some of the night post police ninja while they were asleep in the barracks. We wouldn't have even been able to blame him conclusively if it wasn't for him adding orange food coloring to the water coolers. There were other minor pranks, some of which include the use of: dye, glue, confetti, pull activated firecrackers, and..."

"Yes?"

"Three dozen mice, approximately."

Another sigh. "Total damages?" He got out his pipe as he asked.

"Light this time, a few hundred Ryo." (Kishimoto says Ryo are worth about 10 cents.)

"That's something at least, bring him in to me, and get me the paperwork."

"Hai." This ninja walked back out the door.

Of course he did have to do all of the paperwork involving Naruto. He found out pretty quickly that if left to the paper pushers, anything regarding the blond prankster would gain 'errors.' It was quite annoying, it was just about the only form of retribution against the boy that he couldn't stamp out. At first it was quite blatant, and Sarutobi had been able to fire a number of office clerks, many of whom, it turned out, were crooked and on the take. But even after that, there was subtle massaging of facts and numbers regarding the boy, and now he just did all of the paperwork himself.  
It somewhat paralleled the the other abuses people tried to perform. Early on, when Naruto was still a baby, there had been assassination attempts. He would've been surprised if there hadn't been any. But a few public executions later, including one of a fairly important business man who hired a thug to kill Naruto, and that had ended that. Not to say the little hooligan's life was easy; even as Hokage, he couldn't order businesses to serve someone they didn't want to. It was in the basic law that an establishment had the right to refuse service. But he could make certain that places that allowed Naruto in didn't overcharge, or give bad products. His favourite method of doing this would be to give a surprise tax audit on any business giving the child a rough time. People got the message, and for the most part, glares and loneliness were the worst weapons people could use against him.

And so, young Naruto had turned to other ways of attention getting. Which led to Code Oranges. If it didn't cause him so much work, Sarutobi would have been quite proud of some of his pseudo grandson's achievements. Some of them had actually tightened security around the village. He had bittersweet memories of the time Naruto slipped a plant extract in to one of the district's water supplies. It was harmless, except it turned green the urine of anyone who drank from it. There was line for blocks in front of the hospital. There was, of course, security around the water supply, but since nothing ever happened there, someone had decided it was a good dumping ground for problem ninjas. The type of ninjas that got bored easily and were lax, despite a water supply being a high priority target. A number of demotions and pay docks had resulted, as well as hospital procedures updated when they realized that they had been totally gridlocked during the 'green pee' crises.

Sarutobi puffed on his pipe, thinking of some of the other pranks Naruto pulled while scanning a briefing on changing trade relationships between two smaller countries.

*Knock Knock*

"Enter."

Boar mask had Naruto in a tight grip, and brought him in front of the big desk.

"Ahh, thank you Boar-san, you're dismissed." This time the ANBU shunshined away after nodding.

"Heheh, hi old man. I guess the live chickens were a bit much huh?" Naruto's eyes were scrunched up from his embarrassed smile, while one hand scratched the back of his head.

Sarutobi took a drag. "Yes, -puff- although I'm sure we all eagerly await the means by which you pulled it off."

"Huh? Oh, how I did it, sure! Wasn't that hard, use a tiny bit of a knock out pill on each chicken, then while they were asleep use super glue to stick them on the sleepy police nin. I wish I could have seen when the chickens woke up and started waking up those guys!"

"Quite imaginative, -puff- but you do realize I have to punish you, right?"

"I know... It's just a lot of fun, and nobody will ever play with me. Plus, I bet all this experience will come in useful when I'm a shinobi! All the sneaking around and traps and stuff."

"Yes, well... -puff- Tell me all the things you did and how you did them, and I'll give you less punishment.-puff- Let's start with how you got into the barracks."

"Well the front is open to anyone, so if you have a problem you can talk to a police nin right? So if you wait till there's a line, they won't talk to you until it's your turn or you're bleeding or something. I have to go there occasionally when someone throws rocks through my window or stuff, and they usually deal with me last. I won't tell you exactly how I got from the front office into the main complex carrying a bag big enough for all my supplies, because then I coudn't do it again, but it involves a black wig, carrying a broom, and generally looking like a janitor. No one ever questions the janitor."

-puff- Sigh -puff- "I can see we've gotten a little lax in security there too. Alright, I know how you did the chickens, but what else did you pull?"

"The usual stuff, the main deal was the chickens. Buckets over doorways, changing things' color, releasing 50 mice, the works. I did a few combos, glue then glitter, pull string firecrackers with confetti packed around it. I've told you all those before. I found the water cooler tank too heavy to pick up, so I poked a hole in the top with a knife and squirted the food coloring in. Oh, give the chickens back to farmer Tanaka."

"I was told there were only -puff- three dozen mice?"

"Ummm... they should look harder?"

"Fine.-puff- Write the police department an apology letter, as well as one to each of the men you glued chickens to. Normally I'd have you clean the barracks, but I think maybe they should, seeing as it's supposed to be a secure site."-puff-

"Letters? Aww Jiji, I hate writing. Can't I clean instead?" Naruto went from a pained expression to a slightly hopeful one.

Sarutobi saw it and knew immediately what it meant. "No! It's supposed to be a punishment, not a chance for you to go back and get a second chance to prank again. I still remember what happened when you 'cleaned' the jonin lounge.-puff puff- One last thing before you can go. How do you keep getting supplies for these pranks? I know I've asked before, but I'm serious this time!"

"Sorry old man, that's a secret! Ninjas must be able to keep secrets! Even if they're tortured!"

This was a problem. Sarutobi needed to know how Naruto got supplies for a number of reasons, not least of which was to satisfy his curiosity. 'Hmm, maybe a bribe?' "Okay Naruto, if you'll tell me, I'll give you a tip on how to use your chakra. If you want to be Hokage some day, you'll need to master it!"

"Hmmm... Well, I suppose that isn't torture. Still, it is a secret..."

-puff- -Sigh- "I'll throw in a bag of water balloons."

"Deal! I get most of it going through dumpsters, and when I need something rare or in good condition, I save up for it. I don't have much to spend on except for food, and if I go for a few days on instant ramen I can usually save up enough to afford what I need. The confetti I make, the glitter I can take from the pre-academy supplies, and the rest I can buy pretty cheap. I've run into a problem that some people won't sell me glue and stuff anymore, but I can usually find someone willing to."

Sarutobi didn't particularly like the idea of Naruto dumpster diving, but supposed it was safe enough, and certainly enterprising of him. On the other hand... "You said you take glitter from school, are you taking anything else?"

"No! Well, the chickens, but I made sure to get you to take them back. I don't steal! Nothing anyone will miss anyway. I find equipment at training sites that I sell to smiths, broken kunai and stuff, but that's just left there!"

"Alright, I'm sorry. Now here's the tip. Hold your hands like this, put your fingers like so. This is called the Ram seal.-puff- Now close your eyes and imagine a light inside of you. Try to dim the light, or make it brighter. After you can feel it, try making it go down your arm or leg. When you can do that, come back and I'll show you more."

"Thanks Jiji, you're awesome!" With that, Naruto opened the doors and ran out.

-puff- So the gaki had thought of the janitor ploy all on his own huh? It was an amateur level maneuver, one that was taught in the academy and that anyone with experience knew not to try. But to come up with it on his own! Very clever. -puff- Of course there was a reason that it worked. Well, besides the fact that security in Konoha had grown lax in the peace since the last war. Two in fact. The first was the reason it was covered in the acadamy in the first place; janitors and window washers were beyond most peoples suspicion. Heck, most people didn't notice them at all. And while ninja were trained to notice things like that, after the second year of checking the garbage man's ID, you tend to just let them through. The second reason? Cyclicity. Tactics, maneuvers, jutsu, styles, they all come and go in cycles. It depended on the idea in question, but the popularity of many of the ways ninja got things done gained popularity, then waned, a cycle taking five to 20 years. If lots of ninja started infiltrating places as janitors, guards would wise up. Eventually it would be impossible toacomplish anything as a janitor, so they'd stop, of course guardswould keep checking janitors- for a while. But years later, the janitor trick would again come into vogue.

The Hokage wrote a note to alert the relevant department heads that they should reacquaint security with anti-janitor infiltration measures.

-puff- -puff- Now he just had to deal with the paper work.

AN: The term Code Orange originated with another author, and if I remember which one of the dozens of stories I've read that it came from, I'll give them kudos. This story came about from a few things, but mainly my annoyance at the way people act about paperwork and kage(s). It's been awhile since I read canon, but even if Kishimoto said that Kages spend most of their time on paperwork it's silly and over used. The next time you want to make a paperwork joke in your story, ask yourself whether it has been done 5,000 times before or not. Maybe just skip it.


End file.
